Hyde Park Longboarding Hazards

If you’re thinking about propelling yourself through Hyde Park/Kensington Gardens on some kind of object with wheels, here are some things to watch out for:

  • Twigs – Seriously, why do trees do this? You’re coasting along quite happily, when suddenly your wheels hit a practically invisible wooden deathtrap shed from a nearby tree and you go flailing off your board like a twat.
  • Horse manure – The symbolism of the local upper class parading through the park in their fancy horse carriages, leaving piles of shit for everyone else to deal with, is incredible.
  • Playful dogs – They absolutely WILL leap in front of your board and stop dead, wagging their tails happily. One once ran in front of me, dropped a stick directly in front of the wheels and ran on. See “twigs” above.
  • Dogs with retractable leashes – Basically, mobile trip lines.
  • Geese – YOU HAVE WINGS YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO CROSS THE PATH SLOWLY ALL IN A LINE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
  • Frolicking children – Much like dogs, they love to run in front of you and stop dead. It’s a shame my stopping skills aren’t great.
  • Soldiers – Skating along, and suddenly – CROWD OF SOLDIERS. Please don’t shoot me, army guys.
  • Boris bikes – Wobbly tourists riding 3 abreast vs wobbly longboarder flailing and screaming at the sight of a twig? Someone’s going to end up in hospital.
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